Like this:

We got our first bad (or at least not-good) news of the pregnancy this week – Jude is breech.  I don’t know how long he has been that way (maybe that was the change I saw last week) but he has a 50% chance of staying that way at this point.  If he is still breech at 37 weeks, we will try a version (50% success rate) and if that doesn’t work, we will have a scheduled c-section.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful that everything is still okay, but I am so disappointed at the probability of having a c-section.

As soon as we left the doctor’s office, I had a meltdown.  Usually, John is very understanding, but this time, he kept looking at me like I had lost my mind.  Don’t get me wrong, he was very supportive, but he just couldn’t understand why I was so upset.  I tried to explain my fears of a c-section and the disappointment I felt over not being able to birth naturally, but I didn’t do a very good job.  Over the past couple of days, I have given it a lot of thought and I think I understand what I was feeling more clearly now than I did then.

From the very beginning of the pregnancy, I have planned on and prepared for a completely natural, drug-free birth experience.  Rather than fearing the pain and difficulty of labor, I have been excited about participating in the greatest physical challenge a woman can experience.  I know that sounds completely crazy to many (if not most) people, but it is the way I feel.  When I walked into the doctor’s office, that is where my mind was.  When I walked out of the office, I was facing the very real possibility that there would be nothing natural at all about my birth experience.

Compounding my disappointment was the fact that my mind has been being filled with negativity regarding c-sections.  Unsurprisingly, proponents of natural childbirth are quick to sing the hazards of all medical interventions, especially c-sections.  The research raises some valid concerns – difficulty breastfeeding, increased risk of postpartum depression, increased risk of respiratory problems for the baby, increased risk of complications for the mother, longer recovery, risks from the epidural/spinal anesthesia, etc.  But it doesn’t stop there.  Women who have had c-sections are quick to point out their scars and to warn you that your stomach will never be the same again.

On top of that, there are the logistical concerns.  I was so looking forward to the moment when my baby was born and he was handed right to me.  That was a big, big thing for me.  Huge.  With a section, I won’t even get to hold my baby until I’m in recovery, much less feed him.  That makes me unbelievably sad and is probably the hardest thing for me to let go of.  In fact, just writing about it makes me tear up again.  (I was also afraid that John would show Jude to his siblings while I was still in surgery/recovery and I would miss that moment, but he has promised me we will wait to do that together.)

So, when we walked out of the office on Friday, those were the thoughts flying through my mind.  It was a lot to process and deal with and my first stage in dealing with disappointment is to talk about it and cry.  So cry and talk I did.  All day.  Lucky John!

Since then, I have been working really hard to change my mindset and prepare myself for the probable section.  I realized I have been focusing too much on the process of getting him here and not simply on just making sure he arrives here safely.  I know that once I hold him, it won’t matter how he made his entrance into this world, just that he did.  To be honest, I am glad that I am having the opportunity to deal with this all in advance.  I feel like I am much better prepared for however Jude ends up making his appearance!

5 weeks…

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